My Favourite Problems of the World that needs solving Now!
June 9th 2008 00:36
My Favourite Problems of the World that needs solving Now!
The Australian Republic
I have no problem with the concept but with execution I have many problems. The biggest issue for me is that under the Westminster system where the Monarchy plays a role we do still get a Queens Birthday Holiday. This is the highest priority in my mind and worth dying for. I cannot under any circumstances support any Republican proposal that robs me of this day off. Good heavens! It is today of all days. Yet this is a serious problem that has never been addressed. It is much more important than how parliament is dissolved or who end up being the head of state. I will however consider any proposal that includes a replacement holiday. No scratch that, I will start the bidding at a ratio of two to one. I want at least two days off for every Queen’s birthday taken away or I will not even consider it. Three is better, but the bidding has only just started.
And another Thing...Sir
This relates to a mistake that was created some years back. Currently the official honours handed out are called The Order of Australia or AO for short. I used to think that AO stood for Adults Only but over time we learn. So AO it is and might I say that I am very disappointed in this change. Some year back Australia used to hand out Knighthoods (Actually we would ask the Queen to do that and she would) but now we do it ourselves. Knighthoods are cool, AO’s are not. They do not even sound cool. This sounds cool: Sir Paul Mc Cartney; Sir Edmund Hillary; Sir Don Bradman. It is the Sir that creates the coolness and utter awesomeness that has people coming from miles to kiss your butt. Sir Anything creates images of men in armour, jousting, the Black Knight, a big sword etc. What ‘Mr Anything AO’ evoke other than my pornographic and adolescent misunderstanding. I am still waiting for my AO, which must be still in the mail from 1989, but I would rather be called Sir Damo of the Orb. Coooool. So fix it fast or may not take that award.
Rejection Letter.
“Dear Damo,
We read you latest novel which you described as an endless saga that subtly redresses the misunderstanding that blogging is not the centre of the universe and bloggers do not rule the world. The metaphor is interesting yet we feel that the actual text contain higher than usual levels of megalomania, narcissism, emotive call for slaughtering the innocents and long winded Napoleonic ambitions to rule rather than fix the world. As such we feel that your book may not fit into our current release of stock that includes normal books.
Do not feel bad however as we have found several non professional uses for you text so far. I read it to put my children to sleep and their nightmares are improving somewhat form the first hearing. My staff often quote your serious plans for the future to each other when they need cheering up with a damn good laugh. Yet over reading does create a sense of fear and depression where by someone considered that it was actually possessed by Satan.
So if you don’t mind could you please bring a wheelbarrow and haul this 4000 page epic away.”
I hate rejection.
The Planet
I am not rejecting any theory about any impending disaster. Yet because I do not like the politician involved I will reject anything that is even remotely connected to him. I changed from drinking Coke to Pepsi for that very reason.
Again I need to stress the ‘what is in it for me factor’. The planet is doomed so they say, and in 50 to 100 years we will all be dead. Yet if I think about this correctly in 100 years I will dead anyway. In 50 years I may be so old that dementia sets in and if the world is doomed what is the problem if I can’t remember a thing about it. You do not miss what you cannot remember. So until then I am going to party, party, party and let the next generation sort it out. Worked for everyone else. Again I will change my mind if there is a holiday being offered. Something like: Planet Day, Guilt Day or Concerned Frown Day. Call it anything as long as I get day off and can party with my Bar-b-q.
Letter to the President
Dear Mister President,
You are wrong.
Take a hike and put me in charge.
I know what to do.
Signed
Anonymous.
Hehehehe....
The President Wrote back
“Dear Anon,
What kind of a fool leaves his return address on the envelope and signs it Anon.
I am a busy president but this fits in well with busy schedule and between naps. Don’t hate me because my agents are ready heading off to hunt you down. Hate yourself.
Signed
The President of Zimbabwe”
I write back
“Dear Mr President,
No, my agents are heading off to hunt you down.
And how come if you are so rich that cannot afford to pay for the plastic surgery to fix your overstretched pompous mouth.
Now me and a few mates are just waiting for your agents to turn up. We have been drink Fosters because the shop was out of VB so you know how pissed off we are. Just try and show up. Go ahead, just try it and we will fix their faces so that they look like you.
Signed
Anon
P.S: The address was my brothers house. He drinks my beer without leaving money on the fridge so you can have him and connect 240 volts to his genitals all you like. You are not an Ossie so I will explain, it is a cultural thing where the tribal punishment for such actions is usually death by being dragged behind the Ute with a rope. Your torture of him is music to our collective cultural ears.
Dickhead.
and
Hi I am Damo.
And I do have tickets on myself.
Writers should have tickets on themselves or they would never have enough ego to write a bloody thing.
Without the 'Sir' it is not worth effort.
The Australian Republic
I have no problem with the concept but with execution I have many problems. The biggest issue for me is that under the Westminster system where the Monarchy plays a role we do still get a Queens Birthday Holiday. This is the highest priority in my mind and worth dying for. I cannot under any circumstances support any Republican proposal that robs me of this day off. Good heavens! It is today of all days. Yet this is a serious problem that has never been addressed. It is much more important than how parliament is dissolved or who end up being the head of state. I will however consider any proposal that includes a replacement holiday. No scratch that, I will start the bidding at a ratio of two to one. I want at least two days off for every Queen’s birthday taken away or I will not even consider it. Three is better, but the bidding has only just started.
And another Thing...Sir
This relates to a mistake that was created some years back. Currently the official honours handed out are called The Order of Australia or AO for short. I used to think that AO stood for Adults Only but over time we learn. So AO it is and might I say that I am very disappointed in this change. Some year back Australia used to hand out Knighthoods (Actually we would ask the Queen to do that and she would) but now we do it ourselves. Knighthoods are cool, AO’s are not. They do not even sound cool. This sounds cool: Sir Paul Mc Cartney; Sir Edmund Hillary; Sir Don Bradman. It is the Sir that creates the coolness and utter awesomeness that has people coming from miles to kiss your butt. Sir Anything creates images of men in armour, jousting, the Black Knight, a big sword etc. What ‘Mr Anything AO’ evoke other than my pornographic and adolescent misunderstanding. I am still waiting for my AO, which must be still in the mail from 1989, but I would rather be called Sir Damo of the Orb. Coooool. So fix it fast or may not take that award.
Rejection Letter.
Reject my classic novel will they? After the revolution they will first up against the wall.
“Dear Damo,
We read you latest novel which you described as an endless saga that subtly redresses the misunderstanding that blogging is not the centre of the universe and bloggers do not rule the world. The metaphor is interesting yet we feel that the actual text contain higher than usual levels of megalomania, narcissism, emotive call for slaughtering the innocents and long winded Napoleonic ambitions to rule rather than fix the world. As such we feel that your book may not fit into our current release of stock that includes normal books.
Do not feel bad however as we have found several non professional uses for you text so far. I read it to put my children to sleep and their nightmares are improving somewhat form the first hearing. My staff often quote your serious plans for the future to each other when they need cheering up with a damn good laugh. Yet over reading does create a sense of fear and depression where by someone considered that it was actually possessed by Satan.
So if you don’t mind could you please bring a wheelbarrow and haul this 4000 page epic away.”
I hate rejection.
The Planet
I am not rejecting any theory about any impending disaster. Yet because I do not like the politician involved I will reject anything that is even remotely connected to him. I changed from drinking Coke to Pepsi for that very reason.
Again I need to stress the ‘what is in it for me factor’. The planet is doomed so they say, and in 50 to 100 years we will all be dead. Yet if I think about this correctly in 100 years I will dead anyway. In 50 years I may be so old that dementia sets in and if the world is doomed what is the problem if I can’t remember a thing about it. You do not miss what you cannot remember. So until then I am going to party, party, party and let the next generation sort it out. Worked for everyone else. Again I will change my mind if there is a holiday being offered. Something like: Planet Day, Guilt Day or Concerned Frown Day. Call it anything as long as I get day off and can party with my Bar-b-q.
Letter to the President
We need a name that sounds like we are doing something when in fact all we do is talk about it
Dear Mister President,
You are wrong.
Take a hike and put me in charge.
I know what to do.
Signed
Anonymous.
Hehehehe....
The President Wrote back
How does he bend his lips so much?
“Dear Anon,
What kind of a fool leaves his return address on the envelope and signs it Anon.
I am a busy president but this fits in well with busy schedule and between naps. Don’t hate me because my agents are ready heading off to hunt you down. Hate yourself.
Signed
The President of Zimbabwe”
Hey butthead!
I write back
“Dear Mr President,
No, my agents are heading off to hunt you down.
And how come if you are so rich that cannot afford to pay for the plastic surgery to fix your overstretched pompous mouth.
Now me and a few mates are just waiting for your agents to turn up. We have been drink Fosters because the shop was out of VB so you know how pissed off we are. Just try and show up. Go ahead, just try it and we will fix their faces so that they look like you.
Signed
Anon
P.S: The address was my brothers house. He drinks my beer without leaving money on the fridge so you can have him and connect 240 volts to his genitals all you like. You are not an Ossie so I will explain, it is a cultural thing where the tribal punishment for such actions is usually death by being dragged behind the Ute with a rope. Your torture of him is music to our collective cultural ears.
Dickhead.
The greatest joke that Australia ever pulled on the world is to sell this as a great beer. Note to world: It tastes like crap.
and
If a mate has a choice of giving VB or Fosters and hands you over the Fosters it is considered to be a declaration of war.
Hi I am Damo.
And I do have tickets on myself.
Writers should have tickets on themselves or they would never have enough ego to write a bloody thing.
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Comment by S. L. Bradish
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Thanks for your comments.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
A great way to while away an afternoon waiting for relatives to be visited by those secret foreign agents of Mass Mayhem.
Raven
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Thanks for your comments.
Seems like a waist of good VB.
Better to down those stubbies before blasting the empty.
If no empties are available then by all means shoot road signs.
Kangaroo road signs make great target practice.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Eh, waste a VB? No way.
Waste the Fosters by using them for targets . . . you're multi tasking right?
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
On a flat road sign it does not matter.
In short Fosters id Australia's revenge on the world.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
They (the 3 AK beer aficionados) got pretty uppity since we started brewing Alaskan Amber here in Juneau, and I hear it's pretty good. I've only sampled a few kegs, and that's not enough to get a real taste test going so I can't pass judgment on the stuff yet.
Raven
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Then again no one drink Buds here despite attempts to bring it in.
BTW I heard that they were going to make a Mugabe road sign just for shooting practice.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Cavity Search.
I shall always endeavor to abide by the laws of the country that I have entered.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Comment by brenton. He is not ligging in. He can't be bothered.
In Australia, is is considered our birthright to have two, one of either shoulder.
You'd love it here.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Thanks for your comments.
I think shoot speed signs is an Australian birth right in some places.
It is also a sure sign that no bunnies are there to be shot.