Mere Puffery: How to Write a Puff Piece and Sell the unsellable to the unsuspecting.
July 27th 2008 03:46
Mere Puffery: How to Write a Puff Piece and Sell the unsellable to the unsuspecting.
Puff pieces are the way that people sell something ordinary and sometimes unpalatable in such a way that to state it clearly would have most people running for the hills. How do we make thing that are so bad sound so good. No one who has a plan to set up death camps lays out their plans on the table and says ‘Here is where the gas chamber will be constructed.’ That would cause a critical amount of consumer resistance and the concept would struggle to find a sane purchaser. Instead the product was sold in a positive light of a Triumph of Will. If the sales pitch is done right it is never about pounding the crap out of anyone but rather it is about building a Better and Fairer Future. The Art of the sleight of hand can best be described as Mere Puffery. The Art of a Puff Piece is saying nothing but sweet positives and ignoring all the uncomfortable realities. Like dead people and ruined cities due to war.
Is it an art worth learning? Indeedy it would seemy because how else would we sell a tax hike as being better than what Zimbabwe gets? How else could we double the water prices and call it a fairer system offering consumers greater choice. How did Moa Tse Tung last so long? Puff, puff and more puff. So rather than condemn the puff piece as being evil, I wish to celebrate its contribution to the intellectual treasury of the universe. We should all learn to write puff pieces because the world does not like harsh reality, negative consequences and thinking. So let’s give it a go:
The Glass is always Full:
The glass is never half empty, and never half full. Even if the glass is empty it is still full of potential to be full. You may have drunk the last drop of your water in the desert but you must tell all the other survivors of the plane crash that it is actually better for them that only you survive. As they wither away dying of thirst it is in fact your duty to drink all the remain water so that you can live as a monument to their suffering.
It is not a Death Camp, it is a Liberation Centre:
Mostly it is liberating people of the burden of life. Yet more importantly it is removing the burden of their lives from disturbing your thoughts. So the positive of this place must be explained in fine detail. We are creating a wonderful emerald city where these miscreants can be re-educated to become productive units of society.
Sugar and Spice and keep it sweet:
Why do so many ads have pictures of babies and dolphins? Answer: Because we find them cute. Why is there a huge billboard on the main road with bold letters saying ‘ETHICAL.’ Answer: Because we like the sound of that word. Why do people who like infanticide give themselves the title ‘Ethicist’? Answer: Duh. The secret is if you want to sell anything you must look like the good guy. Not just a good guy but the actual good guy who is in tune with the real, cool, intellectual, sexy, young, happening, new, intelligent, realistic, progressive, liberated, libertarian, equal, experienced and any other meaningless positive sounding name that you can think of. Adjectives with positive emotional overtones are your best friend in a puff piece. Positive sounding words make everything you do sound like you are offering a mental jelly baby if it accepted. You want people to have that warm fuzzy feeling when you take their child away to be brainwashed.
Link Yourself to someone that everyone Likes:
Mickey Mouse is taken so try harder. You must find a sacrosanct hero that seems to be popular with a wide range of people then describe how your proposal is what they would have wanted. It is best that the person whose name you are using is dead. Better if that person is a writer and a critic for ‘social justice’ (positive words again) who has earned the respect of plenty of people. Then it does not matter what you say because you are on the side of a hero and those who disagree are not just against your proposal but are against their own hero.
Here is a list of people that you can use to sell anything:
George Orwell – Because few people have read his books let alone his essays.
Huxley – Any of them. Most people don’t know one from the other.
Any Female President – Liberated and Female. Selected quotes only. Keep things vague in case people chase up details.
Any Dead Hero – An appeal to Bravery usually helps. Be like this dead person by supporting us.
Clown and Actors – People always get advice from clowns before making life decisions. Stand up comics not Ronald Mac Donald.
Link Yourself to a Popular Movement:
That is easy. Why do you think that Socialist Alliance turn up to every protest: Answer: To put up a veneer that they actually care about people and stuff. The Nazis wore uniform because people like soldiers. So look around for some down trodden fool and tell everyone that you are looking after their rights. It does not matter if the down trodden fool has never heard of you before because by the time they open their mouth you have already established yourself as a caring concerned person.
Pulling all the right Heartstrings:
People like the down trodden more than the like puppies or babies. Make sure that you are always standing up for the downtrodden. Play that victim card as much as you possibly can. This will always divert attention away from any crazy sounding proposal that you are trying hide in this swell of emotional out pouring. That plan to do in all the old people should be hidden somewhere between the achievements of downtrodden mad scientists and misunderstood urine artists. Colour also helps because people should be treated like children and shown positive colours to associate with your cause. If the fluffy doe eyes of a sad looking panda does not work, then go for a Triumphalism. (Oops I just made up a new word). However the raised powerful and defiant fist does work wonders. Remember to keep the hand closed in case it looks like a Nazi salute.
So as you can see the purpose and practice of a puff piece is to sell something to an audience that you must assume cannot think for themselves. Use it liberally and serve with heaps of sugar spiced with just a hint of assertive fist shaking. Remember that those who do not accept every little detail of your long world domination and social engineering plan will be first up against the wall after the revolution.
Critics call this bad, but in the puff world it was preventing a population crisis
Puff pieces are the way that people sell something ordinary and sometimes unpalatable in such a way that to state it clearly would have most people running for the hills. How do we make thing that are so bad sound so good. No one who has a plan to set up death camps lays out their plans on the table and says ‘Here is where the gas chamber will be constructed.’ That would cause a critical amount of consumer resistance and the concept would struggle to find a sane purchaser. Instead the product was sold in a positive light of a Triumph of Will. If the sales pitch is done right it is never about pounding the crap out of anyone but rather it is about building a Better and Fairer Future. The Art of the sleight of hand can best be described as Mere Puffery. The Art of a Puff Piece is saying nothing but sweet positives and ignoring all the uncomfortable realities. Like dead people and ruined cities due to war.
Is it an art worth learning? Indeedy it would seemy because how else would we sell a tax hike as being better than what Zimbabwe gets? How else could we double the water prices and call it a fairer system offering consumers greater choice. How did Moa Tse Tung last so long? Puff, puff and more puff. So rather than condemn the puff piece as being evil, I wish to celebrate its contribution to the intellectual treasury of the universe. We should all learn to write puff pieces because the world does not like harsh reality, negative consequences and thinking. So let’s give it a go:
Thank you for you wonderful thoughts Chairman Mao. I feel so much better about being purged.
The Glass is always Full:
The glass is never half empty, and never half full. Even if the glass is empty it is still full of potential to be full. You may have drunk the last drop of your water in the desert but you must tell all the other survivors of the plane crash that it is actually better for them that only you survive. As they wither away dying of thirst it is in fact your duty to drink all the remain water so that you can live as a monument to their suffering.
It is not a Death Camp, it is a Liberation Centre:
Mostly it is liberating people of the burden of life. Yet more importantly it is removing the burden of their lives from disturbing your thoughts. So the positive of this place must be explained in fine detail. We are creating a wonderful emerald city where these miscreants can be re-educated to become productive units of society.
By saying 'It is what ned Kelly would have done,' We can do anything.
Sugar and Spice and keep it sweet:
Why do so many ads have pictures of babies and dolphins? Answer: Because we find them cute. Why is there a huge billboard on the main road with bold letters saying ‘ETHICAL.’ Answer: Because we like the sound of that word. Why do people who like infanticide give themselves the title ‘Ethicist’? Answer: Duh. The secret is if you want to sell anything you must look like the good guy. Not just a good guy but the actual good guy who is in tune with the real, cool, intellectual, sexy, young, happening, new, intelligent, realistic, progressive, liberated, libertarian, equal, experienced and any other meaningless positive sounding name that you can think of. Adjectives with positive emotional overtones are your best friend in a puff piece. Positive sounding words make everything you do sound like you are offering a mental jelly baby if it accepted. You want people to have that warm fuzzy feeling when you take their child away to be brainwashed.
Link Yourself to someone that everyone Likes:
Mickey Mouse is taken so try harder. You must find a sacrosanct hero that seems to be popular with a wide range of people then describe how your proposal is what they would have wanted. It is best that the person whose name you are using is dead. Better if that person is a writer and a critic for ‘social justice’ (positive words again) who has earned the respect of plenty of people. Then it does not matter what you say because you are on the side of a hero and those who disagree are not just against your proposal but are against their own hero.
Here is a list of people that you can use to sell anything:
George Orwell – Because few people have read his books let alone his essays.
Huxley – Any of them. Most people don’t know one from the other.
Any Female President – Liberated and Female. Selected quotes only. Keep things vague in case people chase up details.
Any Dead Hero – An appeal to Bravery usually helps. Be like this dead person by supporting us.
Clown and Actors – People always get advice from clowns before making life decisions. Stand up comics not Ronald Mac Donald.
Actually, we are fighting against aliens.
Link Yourself to a Popular Movement:
That is easy. Why do you think that Socialist Alliance turn up to every protest: Answer: To put up a veneer that they actually care about people and stuff. The Nazis wore uniform because people like soldiers. So look around for some down trodden fool and tell everyone that you are looking after their rights. It does not matter if the down trodden fool has never heard of you before because by the time they open their mouth you have already established yourself as a caring concerned person.
Pulling all the right Heartstrings:
People like the down trodden more than the like puppies or babies. Make sure that you are always standing up for the downtrodden. Play that victim card as much as you possibly can. This will always divert attention away from any crazy sounding proposal that you are trying hide in this swell of emotional out pouring. That plan to do in all the old people should be hidden somewhere between the achievements of downtrodden mad scientists and misunderstood urine artists. Colour also helps because people should be treated like children and shown positive colours to associate with your cause. If the fluffy doe eyes of a sad looking panda does not work, then go for a Triumphalism. (Oops I just made up a new word). However the raised powerful and defiant fist does work wonders. Remember to keep the hand closed in case it looks like a Nazi salute.
So as you can see the purpose and practice of a puff piece is to sell something to an audience that you must assume cannot think for themselves. Use it liberally and serve with heaps of sugar spiced with just a hint of assertive fist shaking. Remember that those who do not accept every little detail of your long world domination and social engineering plan will be first up against the wall after the revolution.
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Comment by S.L.
The Political Brief
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Thanks for your comments.
Puff is the magic that runs the world.
No body likes reality.