How to be a Happy Troll and do it Properly
May 3rd 2008 23:48
How to be a Happy Troll and do it Properly
Trolling, for want of a better word, is an art for some as it offers people a purpose in their lives. Where someone may indulge in a little reflection and self realization, there are others who will seek an antidote. Let’s be honest, knowing yourself to the point that you can live in the real world takes time, effort and humility. Who really wants that? Instead there is a quick way to making you feel good about yourself. It won’t cost money; it does not require much education and you can do it at you own leisure with least amount of intellectual effort. You must build the foundation of your life upon elevating yourself socially and the best way to do that it to drag everyone else down. You do not actually have to stomp on everyone in a direct sense but selected targets, those that enjoy you parade of jibes only do so because they love to kiss your butt. And as we all know having your butt kissed for putting down others is the ultimate orgasmic pleasure for a Troll.
So what does one have to do to be a Troll? For some people it comes so natural that they can do it in their sleep. They are so practiced at Trolling in real life that the internet is merely a way of propagating what they do. Others have to work at it. They try hard but just cannot seem to score those thrilling put downs. Yet despite this they will practice for eternity and never give up trying; search, always search for that one great hit. Another group are unconscious Trollers, they do not even know when they are being a Troll. Yes Trolls do come in many types. So to help everyone out I have collated some research on the kinds of Troll that you may wish to be.
Here are but a few (The Latin names are also given in the brackets) :
The ‘How Dare You!’ Troll. (Dominus Wankus)
Before the Internet was created these Trolls were known as the wandering idiots. Yet since you sit on your ass all day and say ‘How Dare You’ without the slightest need for courage they have been elevated in their own minds to Sages of Wisdom. ‘How dare you write something that disagrees with that magazine article I read from a magazine?’ ‘How dare you not check your opinions with me before your write anything?’ ‘How dare you think anything without firstly checking that it is Politically Correct?’ ‘How dare you breath without my permission?’
The ‘I found a New Word’ Troll. (Wordus et Rapedum)
There are some words that should not be taught to teenagers because once they have them they will over use them, abuse them, misuse them to the point that they actually lose all meaning. Give the word ‘Hypocrite’ to teenager and suddenly everyone but them is a hypocrite. To be this kind of Troll you need to be obsessed with accusatory words. Hypocrite is word number one on your tool box. Yet other words must be there too that are just as volatile. It does not matter that you have no idea what a term means and how to use it correctly. Just use it. Keep filling the air with provocative words and call them thoughts.
The ‘Why are you so Hurtful’ Troll. (Sookus Sookus)
Very much like the ‘How Dare you Troll’ but with a simple difference. Instead of being angry and proactive you take on the persona of a wounded helpless animal. Don’ let anyone call you a passive aggressive, or a cry baby for that matter. Just keep crying victim in every argument and say ‘how disagreeing with you is a stab to your heart’. Now before you start wondering if this is completely pathetic the answer is that it often works. Look at the way a Soccer player rolls on the ground faking an injury to get a free kick and you will see how useful it can be. Your mission is to get a free kick.
The ‘Dummy Spitting’ Troll. (Egotus Volitiletus)
‘Now that you said that about the film ‘Three men and a Baby’ let me just tell you are few home truths about people who think like you. They are scum that support terrorists, torture puppies, smoke cigarettes, burn witches and are not one of the nice people like me. Are you with the evil doers or with me?’ Get the idea. An absolute explosion of raw emotion over a trivial point is not crazy at all. They had it coming. Yes you should be able to judge people based upon their political, religious and social differences because content of their character crap does not help you at all. So if someone does not vote exactly your way they must therefore be totally evil and should be destroyed.
The ‘Here is the Real Truth’ Cave Troll. (Eatus et Feetus)
Cave Trolls come in many kinds. Yet the ones that purport to understand the real truth are the wisest. They write posts with provocative title to draw people into the provocative message that contain almost every bigotry and prejudice know. Evidence is not required because the purpose is to draw in victims to the cave. There you can feast upon the innocents who ask relevant question with a garnish of pre-planned insults and put downs. Obviously because someone is disagreeing with you they must be stupid and don’t let anyone tell you different. (Because if they do they must also be an idiot.)
The ‘No You’re a Troll’ Troll. (Thickus Headus)
Remember you days in the school yard when you were backed up by all yours friend as you picked on the weakest kid school. If the kid ever accused you of being a bully you would just say ‘No you’re a bully.’ The level of your mental capability must be honed toward reversing everything back at the accuser. ‘Takes one to know one,’ and ‘I know you are but what am I?’ are the greatest examples of intellectual discourse that you can find. The secret is to reword them to make them look different each time they are used. The people who read your comments will be impressed with your remarkable intellectual skills.
The ‘Pseudo Intellectual’ Troll. (Foolus Noone but Selfus)
Simply pretend to be well read. Keep telling yourself that reading more easy to read books is better than reading anything deeper. No one will ever suspect that are not as educated as you claim. No one at all.
Conclusion
This is just a few of the many kinds of Trolls that you too can aspire to be with minimal effort. After all who the hell wants to spend time reading what is written or doing any proper research to discover the truth? No that just sound like too much effort.
For some it requires no effort.
So what does one have to do to be a Troll? For some people it comes so natural that they can do it in their sleep. They are so practiced at Trolling in real life that the internet is merely a way of propagating what they do. Others have to work at it. They try hard but just cannot seem to score those thrilling put downs. Yet despite this they will practice for eternity and never give up trying; search, always search for that one great hit. Another group are unconscious Trollers, they do not even know when they are being a Troll. Yes Trolls do come in many types. So to help everyone out I have collated some research on the kinds of Troll that you may wish to be.
By personally attacking people I feel less pathetic about my loser life.
The ‘How Dare You!’ Troll. (Dominus Wankus)
Before the Internet was created these Trolls were known as the wandering idiots. Yet since you sit on your ass all day and say ‘How Dare You’ without the slightest need for courage they have been elevated in their own minds to Sages of Wisdom. ‘How dare you write something that disagrees with that magazine article I read from a magazine?’ ‘How dare you not check your opinions with me before your write anything?’ ‘How dare you think anything without firstly checking that it is Politically Correct?’ ‘How dare you breath without my permission?’
The ‘I found a New Word’ Troll. (Wordus et Rapedum)
There are some words that should not be taught to teenagers because once they have them they will over use them, abuse them, misuse them to the point that they actually lose all meaning. Give the word ‘Hypocrite’ to teenager and suddenly everyone but them is a hypocrite. To be this kind of Troll you need to be obsessed with accusatory words. Hypocrite is word number one on your tool box. Yet other words must be there too that are just as volatile. It does not matter that you have no idea what a term means and how to use it correctly. Just use it. Keep filling the air with provocative words and call them thoughts.
The ‘Why are you so Hurtful’ Troll. (Sookus Sookus)
Very much like the ‘How Dare you Troll’ but with a simple difference. Instead of being angry and proactive you take on the persona of a wounded helpless animal. Don’ let anyone call you a passive aggressive, or a cry baby for that matter. Just keep crying victim in every argument and say ‘how disagreeing with you is a stab to your heart’. Now before you start wondering if this is completely pathetic the answer is that it often works. Look at the way a Soccer player rolls on the ground faking an injury to get a free kick and you will see how useful it can be. Your mission is to get a free kick.
The ‘Dummy Spitting’ Troll. (Egotus Volitiletus)
‘Now that you said that about the film ‘Three men and a Baby’ let me just tell you are few home truths about people who think like you. They are scum that support terrorists, torture puppies, smoke cigarettes, burn witches and are not one of the nice people like me. Are you with the evil doers or with me?’ Get the idea. An absolute explosion of raw emotion over a trivial point is not crazy at all. They had it coming. Yes you should be able to judge people based upon their political, religious and social differences because content of their character crap does not help you at all. So if someone does not vote exactly your way they must therefore be totally evil and should be destroyed.
The ‘Here is the Real Truth’ Cave Troll. (Eatus et Feetus)
Cave Trolls come in many kinds. Yet the ones that purport to understand the real truth are the wisest. They write posts with provocative title to draw people into the provocative message that contain almost every bigotry and prejudice know. Evidence is not required because the purpose is to draw in victims to the cave. There you can feast upon the innocents who ask relevant question with a garnish of pre-planned insults and put downs. Obviously because someone is disagreeing with you they must be stupid and don’t let anyone tell you different. (Because if they do they must also be an idiot.)
The ‘No You’re a Troll’ Troll. (Thickus Headus)
Remember you days in the school yard when you were backed up by all yours friend as you picked on the weakest kid school. If the kid ever accused you of being a bully you would just say ‘No you’re a bully.’ The level of your mental capability must be honed toward reversing everything back at the accuser. ‘Takes one to know one,’ and ‘I know you are but what am I?’ are the greatest examples of intellectual discourse that you can find. The secret is to reword them to make them look different each time they are used. The people who read your comments will be impressed with your remarkable intellectual skills.
The ‘Pseudo Intellectual’ Troll. (Foolus Noone but Selfus)
Simply pretend to be well read. Keep telling yourself that reading more easy to read books is better than reading anything deeper. No one will ever suspect that are not as educated as you claim. No one at all.
Conclusion
This is just a few of the many kinds of Trolls that you too can aspire to be with minimal effort. After all who the hell wants to spend time reading what is written or doing any proper research to discover the truth? No that just sound like too much effort.
So hungry, So hungry.
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Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
I love the premise of this post, I may spend the dime and print this out.
Raven
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Thanks for your comments.
actually I was hoping that you could add to the list for me.
Comment by James Rickard
unlucky_ fishermen.com
Angling Fish
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
There is another one in this category I believe, "YOUAREUS NON YOUAREUS"; that being the stock answer, and retort, for some teenagers using the commonly favoured "retortus nunillus" approach, where whatever and no matter what is said, the answer comes straight back, "NO YOU ARE!"
This sub group is also part of the larger "BOGANUS MAXIMUS" species, which is often found in, but not confined to, highly crowded outer suburbs surrounded by heavy industry.
Some of the boganus (bogan) behavioural characteristics are; feeding on high sugar diets, mall and park loitering in large numbers, spitting, spray can tagging, screaming, party crashing in huge numbers, lurid fake fur fringed hooded coat wearing etc. etc ad nauseum!
The net then, as you quite rightly identified, allows this large group to morph into many sub species and pretend to be what they are not i.e.; intelligent, knowledgeable, witty, fair minded, analytical etc
As for myself, I am a member of numerous groups, the main ones are;
CONFESSUS EMOTO EGO PUBLICUM;
An almost compulsive need to publicly share my inner brittle emotional world, with strangers!
RANTUS MANIACUM, where I attack aspects of society that I see as unjust, while consciously ignoring giving a balanced view, in order to vent more bile at the particular aggressor, as I see fit.
Then there is my main group;
NON HOMO PHOBIATUM PROVOCATUS;
which means I may over-react to comments by the opposite groups like,
HOMO PHOBIATUM,
who hate gays, and also its close relation,
HOMO PHOBIATUM EXUENTIS BRAVADUM,
who also hate gays but pretend they are just posing challenging questions like, 'why do gays exist' and 'are gays natural, or are they unnatural'.
This sub group is particularly vexing, as their social cowardice makes them very sneaky and slithery, as they avoid any open admission of their prejudice, or the justification of such stance, regarding their personal fetid and slimey gay hate bigotry.
(sorry, this post has really got me going, I also suffer from TEXTUM VERBALLUS DIARRHOEAUM) so I will try to make this the last, for now (commentus impulsivarium ego veto)...
One group I am NOT a member of;
DEO UNO CHRISTO EST;
those that believe only their version of God, in particular Christianity, is the only one true faith!
cheers...and you may have started something here Damo...(instigatus originalum)
fog
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Thanks for your comments.
I figure that perhaps that some do. The genuinely upset over nothing Trolls will for sure.
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Thanks for Your comments.
Holy Crap you have been thinking about this subject a lot.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
contribution, but right now I have to find a Happy Trollop place and settle my remaining good nerve down Damo.
Is there room for Troll Trollops, Trolloping Troll Tolls or the Troll Bridges of Eastwitch Oz, the Poolitical Trolls of Government and ever popular Tromping for Trolls?
I'm a spent man brain today, cold, flu or worse is clattering up my Cranial Processing Unit and my Bios is bushed; the whole day has taken it's troll on me. Sigh.
Raven
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
It will be a grand celebration of Trolls.
Where people condemn the Troll we shall promote the the Troll.
Long live the Troll and all that follow in its footsteps.
They are wise in a way that we may never know.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
Raven
Comment by Cheryl J
Funny Videos
Rhythmatism
Zentertainment
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
no Damo, no pause pregnant, no pondering....
I, like all good Trolls, I just blurted out the first things that came to mind, without consideration of context, tense, sense and appropriateness and especially political correctness (politicum nervosa opinionatum).
As I said, you have strcuk a nerve, a rich deep vein within us all....
LONG LIVE TROLLS!!!
TROLLS FOREVER!!!
TROLLUS IGNORAMUM MAXIMUS LONGEVITUM!!!!
AVE!
fog
Comment by S.L. Bradish
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
fog
Comment by S.L. Bradish
lmao
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Thanks for your comments.
There are so many types of Troll out there that I have barely scratch the surface (or scraped the barrel for that matter)
Yet to be fair not everyone who is accused of trolling is a troll. However some are and my job in life is to categorize them all.
SLB
Thanks for your comments.
Latin is always useful because it is a dead language and cannot be messed with.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Thanks for your comments.
Yes the Troll should be celebrated.
Just that other hero Anon.
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
for it trolls for thee..
fog
P.S. Any other movie or book titles anyone can troll along to?
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
Green Trolls and Eggs . . . Dr. Seuss
Johnathan Livingston Seatroll . . .
Ask not what your Troll can do for you, but what you can do for your Troll . . .
Hmmm, Damo, fog could have trolled on to something here..
Raven
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
I may have to call for an exorcism.
These trolls are possessing you.
Raven
For whom the Trol calls?
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
I think we have to create a Trollology...
fog
P.S. TROLLUS MAXIMUS ADDICTUM!!
ET TU TROLLET!!!
fog
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
Eeehawwww...
Raven
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
I think I will have to order a cave for the both of you.
Troll to control.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
I'm gonna hafta come off this trolled turkey....arrrrgh.
Raven
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
you spaketh of Trollus Spelaean Eremitus....cave dwelling hermit Trolls....gotta love em!!
Raven, we should start an online dictionary and thesaurus for Trolls, and a book of common Troll phrases, methinks
Pax Trollbis'cum! (peace be with Trolls)
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
cheers and chirpy chortling creating to all!
fog
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World